The Lost Tourniquet.

From my fistful of vesper, the expiring day seeps,
I twitch in my skin as my wounds wail and weep.
The cruel gashes went far too deep.

Warm blood drenches the white sheet,
On which I daily made love to sadness.
Today the knife and I are ready to sleep.

The distant church bells chime,
Those bastards all preach blasphemy
The promised messiah isn’t beside me in my hour of grief,
And the prince of peace expects me to muster up belief.

My deceased, diseased mind seeks no help.
Let the crimson flow,
My head aches, miraculously no more,
My soul parched with sin, instead abhors.

The fresh pink flesh peeps out through
Skin and bone, through my teary eyes I smile,
I am pleased once more.

Limp like dead
The arm lay and bleed, first tiny droplets of blood appeared,
Trickles,
Drips,
Spurts,
And then with a final surge the blood an ocean smeared.

I’m dieing, I’m dieing to survive;
; Survive to slash
; Survive to lash
; Survive to butcher my flesh, my wrist, my god-damned life.

You say you love me,
Why then am I so cold.
The racing, alive pulse in my veins is gradually stopping, wilting, fading.

I’ll never grow old.

You did not help to stop me.
You could not help me.
You should have stopped, helped and saved me.

Numb I fade as my sinews weaken; I drop from my clutch the red hot blade.
Never to awaken, but on a crimson carpet laid.
My unhappiness and I drown in my tub of wrath.
Instead appears the muted shades of ever lasting hallucinated thoughts.

The clairvoyant in me foresees a shadow.
I slip into a sleep, a final much needed slumber.
Rescued from insomnia, saved from drugs,
I hug death, like my first blanket.

Snow-ummm

Just like special children we have a special dog. And we have gladly accepted him into our home with all our love, care and constant vigilance. Snowy, a name in our household that makes me and my mother either run for the nearest weapon of mass destruction or our blood pressure pills. The apple of my sister’ (and dad’s) eye Snowy is spoilt, foolish and extremely mal nourished, but definitely not the bane of your life’s.
Snowy arrived as a cute, angelic ball of white fur, hence the name (no surprise there).
Once the vaccinations and medical jazz was taken care of (taken care of by ours truly!), he officially arrived. And boy what a grand entry that was! In his wake he has claimed the life’s of cushions, shoes and chappals, phone chargers, loofahs yes you heard you loofahs bath loofahs, bag straps, plants, chairs. But we still love and care for him. He is the only domestic dog in the whole world who isn’t toilet trained.
Living in a metropolitan city apartment really restricts air flow into the house so we leave the main door open for a bit of wind and of course on several occasions we have had the wind knocked out of us, why you ask, Snowy takes the open door as an open invitation to fly with the wind and have us chase him. Well for one thing its good exercise once in a while.

But all said and written and done, he’s the only one I miss when I’m away from home for months. He’s the only one who will wait up for me when I come home late at night. He’s the only one who will give us unconditional love asking nothing in return, ok maybe a belly rub or that wretched ball of his. If Snowy likes you he will arrive at your footstep with his saliva soaking ball and then starts a real bonding between man and beast.

Even though I can’t breathe in my own bedroom, and need to reach for my Asthalin all the time due to his fur flying all over the place the warm presence beside me is not only reassuring but beautiful.

Well many people wish for unrealistic and impractical things daily, like a pet who doesn’t shit and piss, one that doesn’t bite things, and maybe with all the stress in my life I too have become a hopeless cynic and wish for those same things. But love him or love to hate him, Snowy till he lives, gives us a reason to scream and shout , a reason to bicker and a reason to fight, and most importantly a reason to realise that and creature who cant speak the tongue of man can still love us and love us unconditionally.

Amen.

"Au revoir- Goodbye till we meet again”

I bring so much shame to you
You lead me from the valley of shadows
Are the gods frowning?
In disdain do they look upon me?

I’m spent, desires remain unfulfilled
Or am I just being greedy?
To want the kiss of life, I breathe,
I’ll wear it like a tattoo.

It’s stopped what? The dreams
Harrowing, tear wrenching dreams
I lie, cry, why?
They scream, I still cry

Why do I lose my way?
Daily don’t I pray?
Heaven I will not go astray
Pray wipe these tears away.

I don’t like it here.
I have no where to run
Though I cherish the thought off home
I am so far away from it.

They are far too loud
In vain do I seek silence?
Oh! Why don’t you die the mutter, I see the mutter in their eyes.
And then I realise I am just a burden.

I’m burning, I shout to the heavens
Deliver me, douse me in darkness
The ignition stops, my souls wasted
But I can’t, stop loving.

Truth is my myth, joy my legend.
The promise land is but a mirage.
I tie the laces of my shoes
And set off…knowing not where.

The moon smirks and hides
I stumble, my feet feels the edge
My palms help me up.
I choose to sit and mourn.

It all ends at the very beginning or,
Does it all begin at the very end?
Disillusioned, I light my smoke
Through my nostrils, trail my secrets and disappear into the implacable night.

One night out, and I’m happy high.Rapture tonight I taste rapture.I’m nervous yet happy and so high. Mesmerized and kissed what a feeling for one night out.I just gave up my job I think I’m in denial but I like this petty way of having fun and when I’m having petty fun I might as well do it with finesse and style.I am what I choose to be at that point in time, in life, in existence.The taste lingers on my lips. It’s so sweet it’s so desirable.I might have to wake up to an empty day.In an empty space, maybe even in an empty room, but I’m moving faster than fate. I feel like a cat, stretched, I get what I want when I want and I’m totally turned on. Big old world passes me by. I can do so many things now. Those high heels are no ones friends.I turn on at the thought of a job lost and a life time of possibilities right up ahead it’s almost like the commercial break is soon going to end and I will be back to the prime time show. Not caring for a minute but caring enough to stop and eliminate the mistakes and righting words I can spell. My mind is slowing down and my fingers are going faster.I’m so turning on right now. My eyes dim but my minds eye or the third eye looks deeper into the belly of the beast. Words and thoughts go swinging past the door to my mind.I’m afraid but I procrastinate those possibilities.I need to wash my dirty laundry and I need to air them out. Just like a virgin bride puts out her blood stained sheets in the front yard for the entire world to see. To see the consumption of sexual fulfilment on the night her virginity ends and motherhood and womanhood seeps through her vagina onto her sheets. Stand up I do, I call “it” I talk to “it”, “it’s” a new friend I like “it” “it’s” simple and I want “it” all to myself its like jay again I remember the nights I spent speaking to him on credit. Santana winds his guitar prelude and lets Chad get on with the lyrics. Its music that hits me hits me slap on the face and reverberates through the silent guest house. The bear and the boy ride a space ship the little boy holds the hands of an in-animate toy believing it to be real to be true to be his friend and to be his partner and the first bear to travel into space. I feel like “it”, I want to drive with him across the open roads onto blank empty highways and fly lovers, both intoxicated both bumping our heads on the roof of his Cadillac.He must laugh at me I think I like “it”, “it’s” sensible and grounded, nice and patient and “it” wants me to cut out on the overdose of please and thank you’s. Every body in the universe once in their lifetimes finds a belly dancer and while some go on to treasure their belly dancer others just keep moving on ignoring the loss of worthlessness.All that shit is fictitious, because I end every nice thing with a loud emphatic yummy. Define always,I put them on the fire and they all boil into a nice mix of incoherence if you really want me make me fish and chips, it’s tasty and it will make you crazy.And I listen on to the song to which me and me danced to at the fire house. I danced and she danced.She was suspicious but I put her on the rock and I drove down the block and slept on the street and she was witness to that.I hang my self upside down and we all do strange contractions to the tunes off a tropical song. Tonight we dance and tomorrow we hang. What a night out. The beats are riding to the gates of crescendo. Because nothing is forbidden anymore. I miss her. It’s been a decade since I saw her room and I saw her hair. She had pretty hair and my maid thought she was skimpily clad but I never left her side while we downed twenty two, yeah twenty two tequila shots. What a feeling in the stomach and then almost like the rhythms you hear on an early morning by the ocean our minds and our consciousness drove to the summit and we started towards glory. Not understanding the dim lights not understanding our bodies and our desires letting all of it come tighter in an exquisite symphony waiting for each other to communicate through the haze of purple pills. “I can change my life to better suit your moods”.Moonlight staircase. To the sounds of an untamed guitar I hate this thought it’s wakeful. But her apartment was named shine on you crazy diamond. The vile is opened and so soft and slow the acid hits the inner recess of his, my life. To suit my moods I pop a purple pill. It’s the same emotion I feel every time I do this. Reality. Yes please, thank you again reality is a divine restricted emotion. I clutch on to it. Like the little boy clutches onto the bear in space.It’s just like the ocean under the moon it’s just like the eagle soaring through the blue, sooty blue sky. She made out with him in an open car. She petted his tame tiger. She had sex with women. She was drenched in white wine when she started singing. I’m going to love her tonight. It’s dark and there are a lot of people loving each other right here, right now. I want to love her. She’s mine and I hate this thought. The music descends to the fires of hell. Eyes wide shut. All undress as the high priestess crawls out of the Corinthian pillars from in between her thighs she brings out the serpent the heated serpent is thrown into a pit of hissing snakes. They all mate and the sound of mating snakes provides the ideal background for seventy six men and seventy seven women to continue mating. From my body emanates a light. A soft, harsh light, she has a child her first and then she goes to buy a bag to put her baby in and bury in. But she buries it in the dead of night so that her eyes can’t see what she’s doing. So, please don’t stop the music because she needs to go back into the house and drink her whisky and go for her abortion. See it’s getting late and I need to go kill that beast named stress.I needed to be the baby, partying, under the freshly thrown soil over me. Face to face.I’ll touch the sky and I’ll be back before you. I want you to take me away so please don’t refuse me my last drink.I hope you get what I’m trying to say so please don’t stop the music or I might get cold.....